


Datefriend

by Scoliwings



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline, terezi/vriska is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-01 15:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15146660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scoliwings/pseuds/Scoliwings
Summary: "Uhh, hey bro, I need a favor. I want to pull a prank on Terezi while taking her out on a, well, pretend date. Can you help me with what she likes?"What the bulgesucking hoofbeast shit.





	1. Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> I found this in my drafts, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it. It's not particularly long, but it was a fun drabble!
> 
> (also i tried formatting the pesterlogs, i hope they look okay)

"Uhh, hey bro, I need a favor. I want to pull a prank on Terezi while taking her out on a, well, pretend date. Can you help me with what she likes?"

_What the bulgesucking hoofbeast shit._

The cranky troll huffs, "Yeah, okay, it's fucking okay, whatever. What do you want to know about Terezi?" He obliges and tells him what Terezi's interests are.

But on the day of the pretend date, the blind troll is nowhere to be found.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle troll! --

TG: kitkat

TG: karkles

TG: karcrabby

TG: cmon just answer i cant deal with this absence of the ever glorious karcrab who is the father of all the consuckiest bulgewithers that have consucked

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer an idle troll! --

CG: HOLY TAINTCHAFING FUCK, WHAT DID I JUST READ.

CG: DAVE.

TG: thats my name dont wear it out

CG: I COULD LITERALLY COUNT THE TIMES I'VE CALLED YOU BY YOUR FIRST FUCKING NAME ON ONE HAND, WHAT ABOUT YOU DON'T WEAR OUT MY ENDLESS EVER-LOVING PATIENCE.

TG: haha ever-loving patience

TG: sure whatever you say

CG: SO WHAT'S GOING ON? SHOULDN'T YOU, OH, I DUNNO, BE AT YOUR FUCKING "PRETEND DATE" WITH TEREZI?

CG: IF YOUR NOOKSLURPING ASSFUCKER TIME ASPECT DIDN'T NOTICE ALREADY, AND IF MY NONEXISTENTAL CALCUATIONS ARE CORRECT, EITHER YOU OR TEREZI ARE LATE FOR YOUR PRETEND DATE.

TG: ding dong your right on the money

TG: and before you get right on my two ding dongs i would like to say i dont have two ding dongs

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DING DONG.

TG: shh dont ruin my freudian fun karcrab

TG: so anyways

TG: so

TG: terezis not here

CG: WOW, BIG SURPRISE THERE.

TG: dont rub it in dude you got rejected too

TG: anyways uh

TG: obviously you know what i cooked up over here and it was kind of pretty real for a pretend date

TG: i cooked up some popcorn and stuff to eat and i cant let it go to waste dude

TG: what im saying is do u want to go on this pretend date in lieu of the ever villainous terezi pyrope who loves ditching us to go mack on her number one new girlfriend vriska what even is up with them

TG: lets replace terezi with you and let us pretendedly date

TG: what do you say karkat

The short troll almost flips his shit at Dave's flagrant question. Luckily, no shit actually flips, though his crabtop does flip, landing squarely on Karkat's face. He shrieks, wrangling the crabtop's pinchers away from his face.

CG: AHSIFJJEIG;;JDO;JGFOTFUCK;:8'FUCK FUCK

TG: woah you okay there

CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK YOU CRABTOP

CG: STOP CUTTING MY FUCKING HORRID FACE YOU BULGEFUCKING PIECE OF DAVE'S HOT ASS!!!!

TG: my

TG: what

CG: FUCK THIS TRASHY CRABTOP! IT JUMPED ON MY FACE, DAVE, DO YOU EVEN FATHOM HOW FUCKED UP IT IS FOR MY OWN CRABTOP TO JUMP MY UGLYASS FACE? BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY FUCKED UP, DAVE.

CG: IT'S HARD BEING A TEENAGER AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.

TG: yeah sure lets file away "daves hot ass" as definitely not significant information on what karkat thinks of my ass

CG: I NEVER SAID THAT, FUCKER! IT WAS THE CRABTOP!

TG: alright i can deal

TG: so is that a yes to the date

TG: pretend date

TG: please answer now because i dont think this popcorn is gonna stay warm forever and ive already eaten like half the bowl

CG: FUCK, YEAH, I'M COMING OVER THERE. HANG ON, BE THERE IN FIVE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased being pestered by turntechGodhead [TG] \--

 


	2. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HECK I didn't expect to actually write another chapter, but this just felt unfinished to me. I hope you enjoy this resolution!

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck, they're really doing this. The date with Dave Strider that Terezi Pyrope was supposed to be on, that Karkat Vantas is now about to go on instead.

The troll is about to enter the room. Oh, well, here goes absolutely nothing.

"Dave?" he asks, his voice uncharacteristically quieter, head peeking out of the door. The room is somewhat different than how they had prepared it when he was working together with his best friend. Dave certainly changed some features, but... Karkat can't place his finger on why he changed them, exactly.

Unless it was for him?

The dimly lit room suddenly seems darker as his eyes make contact with Dave Strider's blazing, piercing, hot red eyes, as his cute, gorgeous best friend is spread out across the couch, in a sitting up position. Fuck, Karkat was not ready for that.

"Strider! I almost thought you were fucking somebody else!"

He quirks a mischevious eyebrow. "Excuse you?"

Less than a minute into the room and the smaller alien's face already feels warmer. "Fuck! No, you little nooklicker, that was an adjective! You of all fucking people know that!"

"Alright, I had no excuse for that anyways. Just come here," Dave's shoulders fall up and down in a shrug, and his head disappears behind the back of the couch as he mutters.

As soon as he's walked around enough that he can see the seats in the couch, Karkat realizes Dave is occupying all of the available space.

"Oh, and where the fuck may I bestow my glorious ass upon, Strider?"

The human shrouded in red pajamas gestures into the air just above his torso. "Bestow your glorious ass upon this, my lovely Karkat."

Karkat nearly chokes on his own spit. "W-What?"

Dave just sighs. "Don't wanna cuddle, then? That's cool."

"The fuck? Were you really planning on cuddling with Terezi, for a pretend date? Why would you even want to spoon this fucking mess?"

He shrugs again, awkwardly. "It wouldn't be the first time we've cuddled, you know. It'd just be the first time either one of us ever said anything."

"Oh. Uh," Karkat looks away, feeling embarrassed. Dave isn't wrong.

"Actually," Dave continues, "it was kind of nice. Those times, y'know. I appreciate it."

_Oh shit my face's growing warmer and warmer shit shit shit._

"I... fuck, I thought this was a pretend date. You said fucking pretend, right?"

"I did. Yes. That sure was the thing I said. But hey, you know what? I had to get this over with sooner or later," Dave stiffens, suddenly nervous, making some vague gestures with his hands.

"Get what over with?"

"I think you know what by now, Karkat."

The troll huffs, lowering his head down above his head, just barely meeting Dave's nose. His face is so close. "Well, then, fucking say it, Dave."

For just a moment, Karkat could have sworn his face moved just ever so slightly closer, almost, almost brushing their lips, but then Dave moves away suddenly, embarrassed. His eyes, once so elusive behind those shades, are now right there for him to gaze into. He could drown in them forever.

There's a hand on Karkat's face.

Right in his face, actually. What.

"Uh, sorry! I'm sorry," mutters the taller boy, pushing Karkat away. After he's gotten him out of his personal space, Dave plops back down into the couch. "Augh, I suck at this. Just... I honestly didn't think this through enough."

Karkat gives off a frusturated growl. "Fucknut, what is there to think about? Listen, you're the best dang fucking alien friend any troll could possibly ask for. That I could possibly ask for. No matter what you say, we'll still be friends."

He sees him swallow, then nod. "Right." Dave sits up so that now they're making direct eye contact, though not any physical contact, which mildly disappoints Karkat for some reason.

"So," he mumbles something.

"What? I didn't catch that. Maybe try saying it at roughly the same volume as I speak, fuckass."

Dave takes a deep inhale, then shouts, "Fine! I like you a whole lot! I've had a crush on you for over half a sweep. This was my way of trying to ask you out on a date, but I fucked up."

A silence between them grows as his confession sinks in for Karkat, but with every passing second of silence that goes by, Dave feels more and more jittery, squirming under Karkat's gaze. Oh shit, shit, is he disgusted? Shocked? Or --

Dave's thoughts are interrupted by a hug. The first sincere hug he's ever received in his entire life (file away that horrific realization for later), and quite possibly the warmest, gentlest touch he has ever experienced. The guy sinks into Karkat's embrace, breaking into silent tears. Then he realizes maybe he should actually put his arms around Karkat, that's how hugs work, right?

Except he doesn't get the chance to, because then Karkat plops his entire body weight down on Dave, apparently taking him up on his offer for a cuddling session. Dave squeaks slightly as his friend moves around, finding a comfortable position with his head on his chest, and his arms nestled behind Dave's back.

Karkat's worried face reappears a few seconds later, only inches from Dave's face. 

"Hey," his voice is much softer than he's used to. "This is okay, right?"

"Are you kidding me, this is the fucking absolute best outcome of this entire timeline. I'm crying right now, actually."

"Wait, fuck fuck, are you..." His mortified expression is absolutely priceless, until he realizes Dave isn't crying because he's upset or uncomfortable. He pokes Dave's cheek. "You dipshit, don't scare me like that."

-

Half a hour later, a sleepy human whispers, "Karkat..."

"What?" asks the grumpy troll.

"I don't know if this even needs to be said, or whatever, but one last question before we snooze in Cuddle Town, population: Dave and Karkat."

"Shoot."

Karkat feels him inhale a bit, then - "Are we, like, dating now? Can I call you my boyfriend or matesprit?"

Oh. Wow, that was just the thing to make Karkat's body temperature rise, and he had already been cuddling with Dave on a couch. "Uh," he freezes up. Before the other boy can panic or start having second thoughts, he blurts it out, redfaced. "Yes! Absolutely fucking yes! To both of those questions!"

Dave relaxes so much more. God, he has never been this relaxed in his entire life. He could not be any more relaxed than he is right at this moment. Peak chillness. When Karkat buries his face into his chest, Dave wraps his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him as close as he possibly can, to get as much contact as possible. He lets out a content sigh as he closes his eyes.

*

It's just the two of them, two aliens stuck on a meteor, traveling at light speed through paradox space.


End file.
